Consumed

Today, I'm really hurting. Sophie's birthday is coming up. It's Tuesday and that's so scary for me. She'd be four. Four! Can you believe it? I'd have a bouncing, smiling, giggling little girl who would be practically thrilled that her big day would be coming up. I'd probably have her birthday party tomorrow, since it's a Saturday and that would work best for me. And she'd probably be asking me what I'd gotten her, but I'd be explaining that I couldn't tell her. Tonight, I'd probably curl up with her in my arms, watching some Disney movies. Probably Tangled. I bet she'd love that movie just as much as her mama loves it.And then after a movie, I'd get her in her pajamas and tuck her in, kissing her forehead and singing her favorite lullaby  And I'd sit there until she drifted off to sleep.
And then her birthday! She'd probably be up way before I'd be ready to get up. She'd be jumpy on the bed, saying it was her birthday. But I'd get up, groggy and all, and pull her in my arms and wish her happy  birthday. I give her lots of kisses and hugs. And then I'd make her whatever she wanted for breakfast. And then it would be the frenzy of getting ready for a party AND taking care of the little tyke who had more energy than a whole army, packed into a tiny little four year old's body. But it would be so worth it, seeing those smiles and seeing my sweet little girl so happy and excited. I'd be taking so many pictures. I'd be helping her tear all of the paper off of her packages, helping her to read her birthday cards, and making sure she thanked everyone.

And then there'd be that cake! I bet she'd love chocolate. So unlike her mom, though. I hate chocolate cake, but I'd get her it anyway because she loves it. She's be all smiles when she saw it, all because of her. There'd four candles on top, among the words 'Happy Birthday Sophie!". She'd smile as we all sang to her and then she'd wait until I was kneeling beside her, my arm around her. She'd wait for me to whisper,"Make a wish!" before she would smile and blow out those candles. And then we'd all clap and cheer, because she would officially  be that four year old, even if it wasn't exactly her day of birth. But she'd feel like she was four. And if anyone asked how old she was, she'd hold up four of her tiny fingers, a smile on her face. She was a big girl because she was four!
And I can just imagine taking her home afterwards, having to pack all of her presents and all the leftovers in the car. I'd make her give hugs to everyone and say thank you to them. Then I'd have a tyke hyped up on sugar for the rest of the night,but I'd be okay with that.I'd let her go crazy [to an extent] and we'd have so much fun until she finally crashed. Then it would be bed time and she'd want to stay up, even though she was practically passing out in my arms.

I'd have her all tucked in, her eyes drooping with every passing moment. I'd tell her how much I love her and I'd give her some hugs and kisses before leaving my baby in bed to fall asleep and dream happily. I can see this and feel this. It's like it's real. I can see that sweet little face so vividly in my mind. And maybe that's why it hurts so much... Because I can see this so clearly, but yet... It's not true.

I wish more than anything that my little Sophie was here... That I'd be able to do all of this with her. To share my life with her.I wish I could hold her in my arms, shower her with her mother's kisses, and tell her endlessly how much I love her. But she's not here. And that part of my life is missing. SHE is missing. My baby is so important to me. She MEANS so much to me. And yet, my sweet pea isn't here. Yes, she's in heaven. She is happy and safe and watching over me and with other beautiful little children, waiting for their mommies and daddies. And I can't wait to be with her someday. But for the time being... My heart is heavy. I miss her so much.

I'd give anything for a day with my angel here on earth. I'd give anything to have her in my arms for sure. I wish I could show her and give her all the love I have for her. But it's not t he same long distance. It's just not the same. It's so hard. But all I can do is fight on.
Sophie, I hope you  know just how much your mommy loves you. I love you to the moon and back and then some. You are my world and my love and my precious little angel. I love you so much and I can't wait to finally be with you someday. Give Jenna a hug for me and her mom and make sure you wish her an extra big happy birthday today. And I bet she'll do the same for you on Tuesday. I love you my sweet pea. I love you until the end of time, and then some.
A mother's love never dies.