It has been a long time since I have posted an entry, which I apologize for. I meant to post one for the anniversary of when Sophie left for heaven, but I never got around to finishing it. To be honest, it was too painful. But, I'm here now, ready to post again.
It's been a hard time for me lately for a lot of reasons, but I'll only dive in to a few of them. The most significant of them is the fact that a couple loved ones of mine passed away within a week of each other and it has been terribly hard.
With loss like that, I was reminded of my babies... how it is so hard to be without them. I want them here so badly, but they reside in heaven now. Sometimes, it's hard for me to swallow that bit of information. They should be alive, running around and experiencing life. Tobi should be in school, learning everything there is to learn. Sophie should be getting ready for kindergarten, excited to finally be a big girl in school. But instead, they're angels. I shouldn't complain, but that absence is hard.
Sophie's birthday is coming up, and I kind of had an anxiety attack not too long ago about figuring out what to do for it. I am terrified of being alone that day and not being able to celebrate like she deserves. I don't want to be a crying mess. I want her to have a happy day.
I haven't fully decided what I'm going to do, though I had ideas. At this point, I just want to find out if I'm a) working and b) going to be able to spend it with someone else. I think if I had those two questions answered, things would be a little easier.
I pray that things get easier, though I'm preparing for the worst. I think it's just a bad habit that I have, given the state of my world. But no matter what, I love Sophie and I will do everything in my power to give her the best birthday I can manage. She deserves the best.
A mother's love never dies.
