Seven Years Ago... Today

I thought today would be a mess for me. I thought today would be a day where I fell to my knees, crying hard than I ever have before. I thought my heart would break all over again. I thought I would be a mess and be unable to smile at all. Why? Today marks the seventh year anniversary since I miscarried Tobi. I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was the day my childhood really died. I have never been the same since. And I thought I'd be just as much of a mess today as I was all the other seven years. But I wasn't.
In fact, I was able to smile today. Laugh until I cried. Talk to a wonderful Sister from my church about my lost. I spent a day happy for almost the entire span. And then I realized something... Being ripped apart by grief didn't have to be my life. Grief could still happen, but WHY should I be distraught, every single day? Because you know what? My children are SAFE. They will never be harmed ever. And they are still MINE. Someday, we will be together for eternity. I will be able to take them into my arms and tell them how much I love them. And that is something so priceless for me.
"Sometimes, the most beautiful things live in some of the darkest places, but just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't able to bless your life. Besides, the most sacred things cannot merely be seen with our eyes... They must be felt by the heart and soul. And I will always have that special place in my heart for those things most beautiful. If there's anything I know for certain about myself, it's that. I have been caught in some very dark times... So dark, I have nearly been swallowed up. But I think I just needed to close my eyes and feel with my heart. It was then that I saw everything I needed. It was then that I could smile. It was in that one moment that I was able to know it would be okay. Perfect? Far from it. But I think I can smile now, and know that there is more to this life than what meets the eyes, and some of the most beautiful things in this world can only be seen by the heart. And somehow, I have been blessed with the ability to see some priceless beauties. Will life ever be as simple as I could have hoped? Of course not. But I think I can smile now, and not break. I think I can laugh and have a day where I'm not overwhelmed with pain. I have been so blessed, and I think it's time to find the sunshine by looking with my heart, not my eyes. For our eyes are blind to the true beauty and worth of things in this world. You just have to have the faith to look with the heart. It's then that you find where you belong. It's then that you can find everything you're looking for. With time, all you could need or want can be found when looking with your soul. I have faith that the Lord will guide me if I trust in Him and let Him guide me through my soul, rather than my eyes. A place in my soul has been touched by the Spirit today, and I am just so blessed to have been able to turn a day like today into something beautiful... All it took was a little leap of faith and trusting in the Lord. And He has blessed me."
I wrote that today, on Facebook... Talking about how I gained two of the most beautiful things this world has to offer, in the midst of the darkest time of my life: children. I have two beautiful angels that live in my heart. And if I keep my heart open, my life will be so much more full. Because if I only see with my eyes, all I will see is the loss. All I will see is how my children aren't in my arms. But if I look with my eyes, I will see two beautiful little angels, smiling at me. They will make me happy and cause my heart to rejoice... Because I am a mother. Of angels, yes. But I am still a mother, and I love my children. And someday, we will be together forever.
Is there still a twinge of pain? Of course! I am only human. Am I still grieving? Of course! I have lost two children. But who's to say that I cannot also rejoice, knowing that I have two children who will never know the hate and evil of this world, yet will be with me forever? I think that is something to celebrate... They were precious for this world, and I am lucky enough to have TWO angels like that... What a blessing! I am such a proud angel mother today. Well, more so that most days because I was able to be happy, yet still remember my sweet little children. Nothing in this world will change the love I have for Tobi and Sophie. Nothing will change that I do miss them. But there is a difference between missing them and being destroyed with grief. My little ones haven't truly left me. I just have to wait a while before I can spend forever with them. But regardless, I will get to spend forever with them. And that is a priceless gift.
I am so joyed for today. I have been filled with such a sense of peace, and that is somewhere I have longed to be. My heart is so full of my love for Tobi and Sophie, and yet so stilled with peace. I pray that this feeling lasts for longer than today, because I think this is where I need to be. I think Tobi and Sophie are smiling right now, seeing their mommie happy today, but still holding them in her heart. This is a place where I can live again. And I am okay with that. Tobi and Sophie aren't leaving. The only difference is the ability to be happy. And I think that it's okay to be happy.
What a day...
To my sweet children, Tobi and Sophie: You are forever in my heart, loved so much. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop missing you. But I promise I will do my best to stay happy... To look with my heart, so I can see you and be with you. I love you both so much. I am so blessed to be your mom. And I cannot wait to spend forever with you!
A mother's love never dies.