My heart is heavy today. I was traveling for most of the day, so I didn't have any personal, private time. Now, it's nearly dinner time, so I'm not quite able to get some time to reflect in privacy. But, I am able to write this.
A very good friend of mine shared her story and I cried from so many different emotions. She was so brave, sharing her story on Facebook and letting all her loved ones read. So much of me wanted to do the same, to openly acknowledge that I am an angel mom... But I know so many people, especially family members, would either not accept the truth, or ask for painful details that I don't want to share. Even some friends would immediately want to know the whole story, or expect me to justify my experiences...
Very few people know about my extensive abuse background, and even fewer people know that my two kids were conceived by rape. Not that it matters. They are MY kids and are none of his... he may have been the sperm donor, but he has no claim to my angels. I am not ashamed of them being products of something so ugly, because they were perfect and pure. What matters is people always want to jump to conclusions... You know, thinking I was sleeping around and having sex out of wedlock or something to that effect. Or if I tell them I was 11 and 13 when I got pregnant, even worse conclusions are drawn... like I was some dirty whore or something (Which I have been called).
For some reason, when people hear that a 13 year old is pregnant, they don't see that girl as a child. They put so much blame on her... They never ask sympathetically what happened. People always assume the worst. Nevermind we are children. The only people who are alarmed or shocked are my peers. Go figure.
Anyway... Trying not to be too bitter... I just find the stigma so painful, and it hurts all the mothers out there, especially young mothers and/or single mothers and/or unwed mothers. If you're part of all three of those categories, people suddenly think that you're happy about it. AND if you lose a baby that is the product of rape, they EXPECT you to be happy about it and think you're CRAZY if you are upset about losing a child. So, I tend to get a lot of negativity about my losses...
So, that leaves me feeling wounded and afraid, unsure of the responses I'd get if I shared my story. i would hope on the positive feedback would find its way to me, but I know that even one negative response would ring out louder than 100 positive ones.
So, this leaves me feeling very lonely today. Tonight, I will curl up with my Build-a-Bear that I made for Sophie and I'll probably cry and feel very sad... But I still grieve my little girl. I don't know if I've touched on this before, so I'm going to explain something.
I worry that people think I don't grieve my first loss. I do grieve tht baby, but that pain was very different than what I went through with Sophie. First of all, I was only 6-7 weeks when I lost him. I knew it was a baby, but I didn't know I was pregnant and it didn't really connect in my brain for a long time that he was my child... I was 11 years old, so honestly, would you blame me? I was practically a baby...
With Sophie, I knew for at least a month that I was pregnant and my heart had settled on that. I had names picked out and everything. When I lost her, I was about 14 weeks pregnant, and when she was pushed from my body, I actually had a baby... I mean, there was no confusing it, I had this tiny baby who LOOKED like a tiny baby... a baby big enough to decipher gender. Going through labor and birth was a very different experience, and I sat there, with my little sweetheart that I had such big plans for in my hands, it broke me apart... Especially because she was meant to live. I know deep in my heart that if my father hadn't beat me while I was pregnant, my daughter would have lived. And that was beyond painful.
I do grieve my son, but my connection with him only came after death, and years later when I finally made the connection of what happened. I had that connection with Sophie from the moment I found out I was pregnant, so her loss was extremely real in that very moment. I know I lost a child with Tobi, but it never felt the same. I guess because I had that firm knowledge that Sophie was my baby from the moment I knew about her made it even more real for me.
So, yes, most of my grieving is for my daughter. She was the end to a life I longed for. She was a miracle, a gift that was robbed from me. I don't know if I'll ever get over it...
Tonight, I will grieve... I always will... Because a mother's love never dies.
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