Sometimes, I Forget I'm a Mom

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I wake up in the morning, alone in my twin sized bed with no one else home except for the dogs.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I sit in the silence that can only accompany being alone, listening to the quietness of the fall morning.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel my best friend's swollen belly, carrying my godson, whose heart beat was the first I'd ever heard and whose ultrasound is the only one I've ever seen of someone I love.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I read posts about mothers loving their daughters, or daughters loving their mothers, and I'm always the last to realize it applies to me, too.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I walk through the baby section of a store, looking at clothes that my godson will wear.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I slam on the breaks and throw my arm out to shield a person who's not there.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I'm surrounded by people with kids, who glow with exhaustion and love.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I get this nagging sadness in my chest for no reason.

Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel like something is missing on days that are big and important.

I find it so difficult, sometimes, to go through life. I know I'm a mom and I know my angels are just that... angels... but sometimes, I forget that being a mom without a baby to hold and a child to love, being a mom who has no one to comfort and kiss and sing to... means that the sadness and longing show up in the strangest ways.

I find myself trying to comfort my friend about her pregnancy, the one within weeks of being finished, telling her all these tips and giving her all this advice about things to do or not to do... as if trying to comfort her with words of understanding... and I get mad at myself, scolding saying, "You don't know what it's like, stop trying to pretend." I'm harsh on myself. That part that says, "You have no baby, therefore you're not a mom." But my heart says, "I do have a baby... I have two. They live in heaven, but they're mine.. I AM a mom!"

Some of the things people don't talk about... They talk about the pain and the conflicting feelings, but I don't see people talking about the residual motherly traits living on... the things that stay with you, even though you child or children didn't...

...to just fall in love with a ultrasound or a heartbeat that you know is going to be someone you love... It didn't mean anything to me, not even in movies, until I was a mom.

...the need to protect and shield and shower love on a small spirit just starting their life journey. I didn't know how to do it, or why I'd even want to, until I was a mom.

...the bottomless, overflowing well of love and affection you can feel for someone who is a little bit of you, in body or in spirit. None of that was possible until I was a mom.

Now that I think of it, some of the best parts of me wouldn't be part of me if I weren't a mom. It's hard to remember, when you don't have your child there as a daily reminder. It's hard to give yourself credit to how strong and wonderful you are when your biggest example of that lives in heaven, not on earth. It's hard to believe you're a mother when no one else can see the light(s) of your life... because they walk not beside you, but within you.

So, sometimes, my mind forgets I'm a mom, lost in a world that never got to see their light... but my heart and my soul knows. They knew from the moment their little hearts first started to beat, and they will carry my children for the rest of my life, until we are together again someday.

♥ A mother's love never dies ♥