My heart is heavy today. I was traveling for most of the day, so I didn't have any personal, private time. Now, it's nearly dinner time, so I'm not quite able to get some time to reflect in privacy. But, I am able to write this.
A very good friend of mine shared her story and I cried from so many different emotions. She was so brave, sharing her story on Facebook and letting all her loved ones read. So much of me wanted to do the same, to openly acknowledge that I am an angel mom... But I know so many people, especially family members, would either not accept the truth, or ask for painful details that I don't want to share. Even some friends would immediately want to know the whole story, or expect me to justify my experiences...
Very few people know about my extensive abuse background, and even fewer people know that my two kids were conceived by rape. Not that it matters. They are MY kids and are none of his... he may have been the sperm donor, but he has no claim to my angels. I am not ashamed of them being products of something so ugly, because they were perfect and pure. What matters is people always want to jump to conclusions... You know, thinking I was sleeping around and having sex out of wedlock or something to that effect. Or if I tell them I was 11 and 13 when I got pregnant, even worse conclusions are drawn... like I was some dirty whore or something (Which I have been called).
For some reason, when people hear that a 13 year old is pregnant, they don't see that girl as a child. They put so much blame on her... They never ask sympathetically what happened. People always assume the worst. Nevermind we are children. The only people who are alarmed or shocked are my peers. Go figure.
Anyway... Trying not to be too bitter... I just find the stigma so painful, and it hurts all the mothers out there, especially young mothers and/or single mothers and/or unwed mothers. If you're part of all three of those categories, people suddenly think that you're happy about it. AND if you lose a baby that is the product of rape, they EXPECT you to be happy about it and think you're CRAZY if you are upset about losing a child. So, I tend to get a lot of negativity about my losses...
So, that leaves me feeling wounded and afraid, unsure of the responses I'd get if I shared my story. i would hope on the positive feedback would find its way to me, but I know that even one negative response would ring out louder than 100 positive ones.
So, this leaves me feeling very lonely today. Tonight, I will curl up with my Build-a-Bear that I made for Sophie and I'll probably cry and feel very sad... But I still grieve my little girl. I don't know if I've touched on this before, so I'm going to explain something.
I worry that people think I don't grieve my first loss. I do grieve tht baby, but that pain was very different than what I went through with Sophie. First of all, I was only 6-7 weeks when I lost him. I knew it was a baby, but I didn't know I was pregnant and it didn't really connect in my brain for a long time that he was my child... I was 11 years old, so honestly, would you blame me? I was practically a baby...
With Sophie, I knew for at least a month that I was pregnant and my heart had settled on that. I had names picked out and everything. When I lost her, I was about 14 weeks pregnant, and when she was pushed from my body, I actually had a baby... I mean, there was no confusing it, I had this tiny baby who LOOKED like a tiny baby... a baby big enough to decipher gender. Going through labor and birth was a very different experience, and I sat there, with my little sweetheart that I had such big plans for in my hands, it broke me apart... Especially because she was meant to live. I know deep in my heart that if my father hadn't beat me while I was pregnant, my daughter would have lived. And that was beyond painful.
I do grieve my son, but my connection with him only came after death, and years later when I finally made the connection of what happened. I had that connection with Sophie from the moment I found out I was pregnant, so her loss was extremely real in that very moment. I know I lost a child with Tobi, but it never felt the same. I guess because I had that firm knowledge that Sophie was my baby from the moment I knew about her made it even more real for me.
So, yes, most of my grieving is for my daughter. She was the end to a life I longed for. She was a miracle, a gift that was robbed from me. I don't know if I'll ever get over it...
Tonight, I will grieve... I always will... Because a mother's love never dies.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Sometimes, I Forget I'm a Mom
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I wake up in the morning, alone in my twin sized bed with no one else home except for the dogs.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I sit in the silence that can only accompany being alone, listening to the quietness of the fall morning.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel my best friend's swollen belly, carrying my godson, whose heart beat was the first I'd ever heard and whose ultrasound is the only one I've ever seen of someone I love.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I read posts about mothers loving their daughters, or daughters loving their mothers, and I'm always the last to realize it applies to me, too.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I walk through the baby section of a store, looking at clothes that my godson will wear.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I slam on the breaks and throw my arm out to shield a person who's not there.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I'm surrounded by people with kids, who glow with exhaustion and love.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I get this nagging sadness in my chest for no reason.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel like something is missing on days that are big and important.
I find it so difficult, sometimes, to go through life. I know I'm a mom and I know my angels are just that... angels... but sometimes, I forget that being a mom without a baby to hold and a child to love, being a mom who has no one to comfort and kiss and sing to... means that the sadness and longing show up in the strangest ways.
I find myself trying to comfort my friend about her pregnancy, the one within weeks of being finished, telling her all these tips and giving her all this advice about things to do or not to do... as if trying to comfort her with words of understanding... and I get mad at myself, scolding saying, "You don't know what it's like, stop trying to pretend." I'm harsh on myself. That part that says, "You have no baby, therefore you're not a mom." But my heart says, "I do have a baby... I have two. They live in heaven, but they're mine.. I AM a mom!"
Some of the things people don't talk about... They talk about the pain and the conflicting feelings, but I don't see people talking about the residual motherly traits living on... the things that stay with you, even though you child or children didn't...
...to just fall in love with a ultrasound or a heartbeat that you know is going to be someone you love... It didn't mean anything to me, not even in movies, until I was a mom.
...the need to protect and shield and shower love on a small spirit just starting their life journey. I didn't know how to do it, or why I'd even want to, until I was a mom.
...the bottomless, overflowing well of love and affection you can feel for someone who is a little bit of you, in body or in spirit. None of that was possible until I was a mom.
Now that I think of it, some of the best parts of me wouldn't be part of me if I weren't a mom. It's hard to remember, when you don't have your child there as a daily reminder. It's hard to give yourself credit to how strong and wonderful you are when your biggest example of that lives in heaven, not on earth. It's hard to believe you're a mother when no one else can see the light(s) of your life... because they walk not beside you, but within you.
So, sometimes, my mind forgets I'm a mom, lost in a world that never got to see their light... but my heart and my soul knows. They knew from the moment their little hearts first started to beat, and they will carry my children for the rest of my life, until we are together again someday.
♥ A mother's love never dies ♥
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I sit in the silence that can only accompany being alone, listening to the quietness of the fall morning.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel my best friend's swollen belly, carrying my godson, whose heart beat was the first I'd ever heard and whose ultrasound is the only one I've ever seen of someone I love.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I read posts about mothers loving their daughters, or daughters loving their mothers, and I'm always the last to realize it applies to me, too.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I walk through the baby section of a store, looking at clothes that my godson will wear.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I slam on the breaks and throw my arm out to shield a person who's not there.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I'm surrounded by people with kids, who glow with exhaustion and love.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I get this nagging sadness in my chest for no reason.
Sometimes, I forget I'm a mom when I feel like something is missing on days that are big and important.
I find it so difficult, sometimes, to go through life. I know I'm a mom and I know my angels are just that... angels... but sometimes, I forget that being a mom without a baby to hold and a child to love, being a mom who has no one to comfort and kiss and sing to... means that the sadness and longing show up in the strangest ways.
I find myself trying to comfort my friend about her pregnancy, the one within weeks of being finished, telling her all these tips and giving her all this advice about things to do or not to do... as if trying to comfort her with words of understanding... and I get mad at myself, scolding saying, "You don't know what it's like, stop trying to pretend." I'm harsh on myself. That part that says, "You have no baby, therefore you're not a mom." But my heart says, "I do have a baby... I have two. They live in heaven, but they're mine.. I AM a mom!"
Some of the things people don't talk about... They talk about the pain and the conflicting feelings, but I don't see people talking about the residual motherly traits living on... the things that stay with you, even though you child or children didn't...
...to just fall in love with a ultrasound or a heartbeat that you know is going to be someone you love... It didn't mean anything to me, not even in movies, until I was a mom.
...the need to protect and shield and shower love on a small spirit just starting their life journey. I didn't know how to do it, or why I'd even want to, until I was a mom.
...the bottomless, overflowing well of love and affection you can feel for someone who is a little bit of you, in body or in spirit. None of that was possible until I was a mom.
Now that I think of it, some of the best parts of me wouldn't be part of me if I weren't a mom. It's hard to remember, when you don't have your child there as a daily reminder. It's hard to give yourself credit to how strong and wonderful you are when your biggest example of that lives in heaven, not on earth. It's hard to believe you're a mother when no one else can see the light(s) of your life... because they walk not beside you, but within you.
So, sometimes, my mind forgets I'm a mom, lost in a world that never got to see their light... but my heart and my soul knows. They knew from the moment their little hearts first started to beat, and they will carry my children for the rest of my life, until we are together again someday.
♥ A mother's love never dies ♥
Monday, February 24, 2014
Anxious Mama
It has been a long time since I have posted an entry, which I apologize for. I meant to post one for the anniversary of when Sophie left for heaven, but I never got around to finishing it. To be honest, it was too painful. But, I'm here now, ready to post again.
It's been a hard time for me lately for a lot of reasons, but I'll only dive in to a few of them. The most significant of them is the fact that a couple loved ones of mine passed away within a week of each other and it has been terribly hard.
With loss like that, I was reminded of my babies... how it is so hard to be without them. I want them here so badly, but they reside in heaven now. Sometimes, it's hard for me to swallow that bit of information. They should be alive, running around and experiencing life. Tobi should be in school, learning everything there is to learn. Sophie should be getting ready for kindergarten, excited to finally be a big girl in school. But instead, they're angels. I shouldn't complain, but that absence is hard.
Sophie's birthday is coming up, and I kind of had an anxiety attack not too long ago about figuring out what to do for it. I am terrified of being alone that day and not being able to celebrate like she deserves. I don't want to be a crying mess. I want her to have a happy day.
I haven't fully decided what I'm going to do, though I had ideas. At this point, I just want to find out if I'm a) working and b) going to be able to spend it with someone else. I think if I had those two questions answered, things would be a little easier.
I pray that things get easier, though I'm preparing for the worst. I think it's just a bad habit that I have, given the state of my world. But no matter what, I love Sophie and I will do everything in my power to give her the best birthday I can manage. She deserves the best.
A mother's love never dies.
It's been a hard time for me lately for a lot of reasons, but I'll only dive in to a few of them. The most significant of them is the fact that a couple loved ones of mine passed away within a week of each other and it has been terribly hard.
With loss like that, I was reminded of my babies... how it is so hard to be without them. I want them here so badly, but they reside in heaven now. Sometimes, it's hard for me to swallow that bit of information. They should be alive, running around and experiencing life. Tobi should be in school, learning everything there is to learn. Sophie should be getting ready for kindergarten, excited to finally be a big girl in school. But instead, they're angels. I shouldn't complain, but that absence is hard.
Sophie's birthday is coming up, and I kind of had an anxiety attack not too long ago about figuring out what to do for it. I am terrified of being alone that day and not being able to celebrate like she deserves. I don't want to be a crying mess. I want her to have a happy day.
I haven't fully decided what I'm going to do, though I had ideas. At this point, I just want to find out if I'm a) working and b) going to be able to spend it with someone else. I think if I had those two questions answered, things would be a little easier.
I pray that things get easier, though I'm preparing for the worst. I think it's just a bad habit that I have, given the state of my world. But no matter what, I love Sophie and I will do everything in my power to give her the best birthday I can manage. She deserves the best.
A mother's love never dies.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Goodnight Letter to Sophie Olivia and Tobi Winn Korie
"Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings. Godspeed... Sweet Dreams."
I am feeling quite subdued this night, angels, but my heart is full of you two. I love you both and miss you so much, but I know the gardens of heaven are bright and beautiful because you two are there. I read a post today on my Tumblr blog and it said, "You have no soul. You ARE a soul. You HAVE a body." I thought this was so beautiful and true. You two were little souls who never gained a body, but your souls are with me now. I feel you two close within my ancient heart, and I know you will never leave me.
I don't have a whole lot to say this tired evening, but I want to swear my love to you right now. You two are my whole world and I am so honored and blessed to have two perfect angels like you in my heart. I will always love you, to the moon and back six thousand times, and then some. You two are my world, my reason. My whole heart and soul. I love you and I will dream of you two, playing up in heaven. I will dream of us being in a beautiful field, having the time of our lives. You are forever a part of me. You are forever my little boy and little girl. No one can take that love from me.
Tobi, look after your little sister. Make sure she is safe, even though Heaven is the safest place there is. And Sophie, make sure your brother gets love too. Make sure he gets lots of hugs and kisses. I love you both, and I'll see you in my dreams.
Love always and forever,
Mommie Katie
A mother's love never dies...♥♥♥
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
I like to take pictures and edit them and add words. So, today I made two. One is a poem called Little Angels and the other are lyrics from the song Wheel of the World by Carrie Underwood. I thought it's be nice to share them here because they make me feel better, and maybe they might help others feel better too.
A mother's love never dies... ♥♥♥
Productive Mommy
I don't like to talk about myself on this blog, but today, I am.
I have been thinking about Sophie constantly, which I think is healthy because she is definitely a motivation for me. I recently went to a psychological crisis center due to suicidal thoughts, but I was scared of them. I always end up thinking, "I don't want to disappoint Sophie." Well, thank God, I managed to get there and get help.
The doctors there sent me away with prescriptions for Haloperidol and Prozac, but upping my usual dose 20mg. It's been about two weeks since I left and the difference is like night and day. They have boosted my will to live and my energy. I have been able to go to bed before midnight and get up by nine in the morning. Lots of sleep, which has been difficult because I have been having lots of abdominal pain and I believe I have inherited the lovely and joyous [insert sarcastic eye roll here] sleep apnea. So, I wake up often, but I have actually been sleeping better, which I am happy about.
This productiveness will help me get up more and be moving, which will help with my weight. I've noticed in two days alone, I have dropped three pounds due to me just getting up and doing things. I am thinking positively about this, because I have needed this. My mood swings [from happiness and contentedness to depressed and suicidal in a heartbeat] are becoming shorter and less occurring, which I am also happy about. All of this is good news.
I go back to the university on the 24th, moving in with two roommates that I hope will be positive influences on me. I hope to start afresh this semester and pick my grades up and work out through these problematic situations. I am excited for a fresh new start. I think this year is the year of ironing out these problems.
And most of all, this will be the first full year making Sophie an active, daily part of my life, which I am really starting to love. My depressive moods are growing shorter, so I can cherish my daughter much more now than before. I can continue up her legacy and keep this blog flowing and growing. I am hoping to be receiving some emails here soon about other angels' stories, so the support and strength can continue to grow.
Overall, my state of mind is very clear, and I am ready for life to come again. I am ready to get back into living. I think I have a very special angel to thank for this new refreshed productiveness to thank, and so I send all my love up to her today. I love you Sophie Bug.♥♥♥
A mother's love never dies.
I have been thinking about Sophie constantly, which I think is healthy because she is definitely a motivation for me. I recently went to a psychological crisis center due to suicidal thoughts, but I was scared of them. I always end up thinking, "I don't want to disappoint Sophie." Well, thank God, I managed to get there and get help.
The doctors there sent me away with prescriptions for Haloperidol and Prozac, but upping my usual dose 20mg. It's been about two weeks since I left and the difference is like night and day. They have boosted my will to live and my energy. I have been able to go to bed before midnight and get up by nine in the morning. Lots of sleep, which has been difficult because I have been having lots of abdominal pain and I believe I have inherited the lovely and joyous [insert sarcastic eye roll here] sleep apnea. So, I wake up often, but I have actually been sleeping better, which I am happy about.
This productiveness will help me get up more and be moving, which will help with my weight. I've noticed in two days alone, I have dropped three pounds due to me just getting up and doing things. I am thinking positively about this, because I have needed this. My mood swings [from happiness and contentedness to depressed and suicidal in a heartbeat] are becoming shorter and less occurring, which I am also happy about. All of this is good news.
I go back to the university on the 24th, moving in with two roommates that I hope will be positive influences on me. I hope to start afresh this semester and pick my grades up and work out through these problematic situations. I am excited for a fresh new start. I think this year is the year of ironing out these problems.
And most of all, this will be the first full year making Sophie an active, daily part of my life, which I am really starting to love. My depressive moods are growing shorter, so I can cherish my daughter much more now than before. I can continue up her legacy and keep this blog flowing and growing. I am hoping to be receiving some emails here soon about other angels' stories, so the support and strength can continue to grow.
Overall, my state of mind is very clear, and I am ready for life to come again. I am ready to get back into living. I think I have a very special angel to thank for this new refreshed productiveness to thank, and so I send all my love up to her today. I love you Sophie Bug.♥♥♥
A mother's love never dies.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
A Scrapbook for Sophie Olivia
I know it has been ages since I last posted, but that's okay. I have needed some time lately. But in this time, a lot has happened, one being that I completed [well, two and a half pages from finished] Sophie's scrapbook. And man, is it beautiful! I just now realized I never posted anything on her birthday, which really makes me sad, but that's okay.
It had to be one of the most tender days of my life. Several of my friends came to celebrate with me, writing/creating a page for her for the scrapbook. They all were just so beautiful and I couldn't wait for them to all be together. We did a balloon release and we had a cupcake and lit it and sang Happy Birthday to her. It was pure beauty, that moment. My friend Kimberly was the one who provided it for me, and I am eternally grateful for her and her contribution.
Here are some of the pictures from the occasion:
It had to be one of the most tender days of my life. Several of my friends came to celebrate with me, writing/creating a page for her for the scrapbook. They all were just so beautiful and I couldn't wait for them to all be together. We did a balloon release and we had a cupcake and lit it and sang Happy Birthday to her. It was pure beauty, that moment. My friend Kimberly was the one who provided it for me, and I am eternally grateful for her and her contribution.
Here are some of the pictures from the occasion:
I loved this day so much, and I incorporated a lot of these pictures into her actual scrapbook. And I think I will keep this post a picture based post and show the pages, in order, of how it came together. Of the missing pictures are two blank pictures, which I have yet to make that will go at the end before the cowgirl page, and one that my mom is putting together. Also, sorry that some of the pictures are sideways.... it is what it is. Just turn your head :P And another also... I did draw those three sketch pictures towards the end there. And I am proud of them! So, anywho, here it is... Sophie's Scrapbook:
Thank you for the continued support.
And Happy Birthday, Sophie Olivia Nichols. I love you so much it hurts, but you are right here in my heart... Always. ♥
A mother's love never dies...♥
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