Consumed

Today, I'm really hurting. Sophie's birthday is coming up. It's Tuesday and that's so scary for me. She'd be four. Four! Can you believe it? I'd have a bouncing, smiling, giggling little girl who would be practically thrilled that her big day would be coming up. I'd probably have her birthday party tomorrow, since it's a Saturday and that would work best for me. And she'd probably be asking me what I'd gotten her, but I'd be explaining that I couldn't tell her. Tonight, I'd probably curl up with her in my arms, watching some Disney movies. Probably Tangled. I bet she'd love that movie just as much as her mama loves it.And then after a movie, I'd get her in her pajamas and tuck her in, kissing her forehead and singing her favorite lullaby  And I'd sit there until she drifted off to sleep.
And then her birthday! She'd probably be up way before I'd be ready to get up. She'd be jumpy on the bed, saying it was her birthday. But I'd get up, groggy and all, and pull her in my arms and wish her happy  birthday. I give her lots of kisses and hugs. And then I'd make her whatever she wanted for breakfast. And then it would be the frenzy of getting ready for a party AND taking care of the little tyke who had more energy than a whole army, packed into a tiny little four year old's body. But it would be so worth it, seeing those smiles and seeing my sweet little girl so happy and excited. I'd be taking so many pictures. I'd be helping her tear all of the paper off of her packages, helping her to read her birthday cards, and making sure she thanked everyone.

And then there'd be that cake! I bet she'd love chocolate. So unlike her mom, though. I hate chocolate cake, but I'd get her it anyway because she loves it. She's be all smiles when she saw it, all because of her. There'd four candles on top, among the words 'Happy Birthday Sophie!". She'd smile as we all sang to her and then she'd wait until I was kneeling beside her, my arm around her. She'd wait for me to whisper,"Make a wish!" before she would smile and blow out those candles. And then we'd all clap and cheer, because she would officially  be that four year old, even if it wasn't exactly her day of birth. But she'd feel like she was four. And if anyone asked how old she was, she'd hold up four of her tiny fingers, a smile on her face. She was a big girl because she was four!
And I can just imagine taking her home afterwards, having to pack all of her presents and all the leftovers in the car. I'd make her give hugs to everyone and say thank you to them. Then I'd have a tyke hyped up on sugar for the rest of the night,but I'd be okay with that.I'd let her go crazy [to an extent] and we'd have so much fun until she finally crashed. Then it would be bed time and she'd want to stay up, even though she was practically passing out in my arms.

I'd have her all tucked in, her eyes drooping with every passing moment. I'd tell her how much I love her and I'd give her some hugs and kisses before leaving my baby in bed to fall asleep and dream happily. I can see this and feel this. It's like it's real. I can see that sweet little face so vividly in my mind. And maybe that's why it hurts so much... Because I can see this so clearly, but yet... It's not true.

I wish more than anything that my little Sophie was here... That I'd be able to do all of this with her. To share my life with her.I wish I could hold her in my arms, shower her with her mother's kisses, and tell her endlessly how much I love her. But she's not here. And that part of my life is missing. SHE is missing. My baby is so important to me. She MEANS so much to me. And yet, my sweet pea isn't here. Yes, she's in heaven. She is happy and safe and watching over me and with other beautiful little children, waiting for their mommies and daddies. And I can't wait to be with her someday. But for the time being... My heart is heavy. I miss her so much.

I'd give anything for a day with my angel here on earth. I'd give anything to have her in my arms for sure. I wish I could show her and give her all the love I have for her. But it's not t he same long distance. It's just not the same. It's so hard. But all I can do is fight on.
Sophie, I hope you  know just how much your mommy loves you. I love you to the moon and back and then some. You are my world and my love and my precious little angel. I love you so much and I can't wait to finally be with you someday. Give Jenna a hug for me and her mom and make sure you wish her an extra big happy birthday today. And I bet she'll do the same for you on Tuesday. I love you my sweet pea. I love you until the end of time, and then some.
A mother's love never dies.

Ballerina

I made some more pictures. I think it is really good therapy for me to take song lyrics that remind me of my little ones and put them to pictures. And so, here is one of my newer ones.

Lyrics from the Song Ballerina by Leona Naess.

Sophie, I love you.  You will always be mine...

A mother's love never dies.



Seven Years Ago... Today

I thought today would be a mess for me. I thought today would be a day where I fell to my knees, crying hard than I ever have before. I thought my heart would break all over again. I thought I would be a mess and be unable to smile at all. Why? Today marks the seventh year anniversary since I miscarried Tobi. I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was the day my childhood really died. I have never been the same since. And I thought I'd be just as much of a mess today as I was all the other seven years. But I wasn't.
In fact, I was able to smile today. Laugh until I cried. Talk to a wonderful Sister from my church about my lost. I spent a day happy for almost the entire span. And then I realized something... Being ripped apart by grief didn't have to be my life. Grief could still happen, but WHY should I be distraught, every single day? Because you know what? My children are SAFE. They will never be harmed ever. And they are still MINE. Someday, we will be together for eternity. I will be able to take them into my arms and tell them how much I love them. And that is something so priceless for me.
"Sometimes, the most beautiful things live in some of the darkest places, but just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't able to bless your life. Besides, the most sacred things cannot merely be seen with our eyes... They must be felt by the heart and soul. And I will always have that special place in my heart for those things most beautiful. If there's anything I know for certain about myself, it's that. I have been caught in some very dark times... So dark, I have nearly been swallowed up. But I think I just needed to close my eyes and feel with my heart. It was then that I saw everything I needed. It was then that I could smile. It was in that one moment that I was able to know it would be okay. Perfect? Far from it. But I think I can smile now, and know that there is more to this life than what meets the eyes, and some of the most beautiful things in this world can only be seen by the heart. And somehow, I have been blessed with the ability to see some priceless beauties. Will life ever be as simple as I could have hoped? Of course not. But I think I can smile now, and not break. I think I can laugh and have a day where I'm not overwhelmed with pain. I have been so blessed, and I think it's time to find the sunshine by looking with my heart, not my eyes. For our eyes are blind to the true beauty and worth of things in this world. You just have to have the faith to look with the heart. It's then that you find where you belong. It's then that you can find everything you're looking for. With time, all you could need or want can be found when looking with your soul. I have faith that the Lord will guide me if I trust in Him and let Him guide me through my soul, rather than my eyes. A place in my soul has been touched by the Spirit today, and I am just so blessed to have been able to turn a day like today into something beautiful... All it took was a little leap of faith and trusting in the Lord. And He has blessed me."
I wrote that today, on Facebook... Talking about how I gained two of the most beautiful things this world has to offer, in the midst of the darkest time of my life: children. I have two beautiful angels that live in my heart. And if I keep my heart open, my life will be so much more full. Because if I only see with my eyes, all I will see is the loss. All I will see is how my children aren't in my arms. But if I look with my eyes, I will see two beautiful little angels, smiling at me. They will make me happy and cause my heart to rejoice... Because I am a mother. Of angels, yes. But I am still a mother, and I love my children. And someday, we will be together forever.
Is there still a twinge of pain? Of course! I am only human. Am I still grieving? Of course! I have lost two children. But who's to say that I cannot also rejoice, knowing that I have two children who will never know the hate and evil of this world, yet will be with me forever? I think that is something to celebrate... They were precious for this world, and I am lucky enough to have TWO angels like that... What a blessing! I am such a proud angel mother today. Well, more so that most days because I was able to be happy, yet still remember my sweet little children. Nothing in this world will change the love I have for Tobi and Sophie. Nothing will change that I do miss them. But there is a difference between missing them and being destroyed with grief. My little ones haven't truly left me. I just have to wait a while before I can spend forever with them. But regardless, I will get to spend forever with them. And that is a priceless gift.
I am so joyed for today. I have been filled with such a sense of peace, and that is somewhere I have longed to be. My heart is so full of my love for Tobi and Sophie, and yet so stilled with peace. I pray that this feeling lasts for longer than today, because I think this is where I need to be. I think Tobi and Sophie are smiling right now, seeing their mommie happy today, but still holding them in her heart. This is a place where I can live again. And I am okay with that. Tobi and Sophie aren't leaving. The only difference is the ability to be happy. And I think that it's okay to be happy.
What a day...
To my sweet children, Tobi and Sophie: You are forever in my heart, loved so much. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop missing you. But I promise I will do my best to stay happy... To look with my heart, so I can see you and be with you. I love you both so much. I am so blessed to be your mom. And I cannot wait to spend forever with you!
A mother's love never dies.

Story for Angel Mothers

So, I am a writer, as well as an angel mother. I love to write, especially about trials in life that are common, but not really known to be as big as they really are.I have an inspiration to write a story about angel mothers. But I need YOUR help for this!
For every loss, every mother handles the loss/pain different. This is where I need help- If there are any mothers who would like to share their thoughts and stories, as well as things they do in their daily life for this story, PLEASE email me at angelmomsunited@yahoo.com so I can talk to you. You WILL get full credit for any/all material you submit to me. You also have the options of submitting as little to as much information as you’d like.
I want to spread awareness of the life angel moms live, so if you can please help, I’d appreciate it! When you email me, just mention that you have interest in the book and I'd love to talk to you about more!


A mother’s love never dies.

MaryAnn- Angel Baby

I got a story about a beautiful little angel girl today from her mom. It breaks my heart the loss this family much be going through, and I am honored to share their story:

I am an angel mom to a beautiful little girl named MaryAnn. I found out that I was pregnant with twins just about 3 years ago. A boy and a girl. As my pregnancy continued we discovered that our little girl, MaryAnn, was Anencephalic. This is a Neurological defect that basically means that our little girl was going to be born with most a her brain. MaryAnn and her little brother Noah were born on Dec. 13 of 2010. MaryAnn died on Jan. 5 2011 and her organs were donated. Noah is a completely healthy and rambunctious 2 year old little boy.

MaryAnn- You were such a beautiful little soul... Too beautiful for earth. You are sorely missed. But I know that you are looking over your mom and dad and your twin brother. I know you love them very much. You are so loved and forever missed. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

A mother's love never dies.

The Most Beautiful Video Ever.

So, I submitted my kiddos' names and a picture of what my Sophie would have looked like to this wonderful lady who put them in her video for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. It is so beautiful and some of the lovely mothers' names from this blog are on it as well. And I just wanted to share it. It's beaufitul.

Miscarriage, Still Birth, and Infant Death Video < 3

A mother's love never dies.

A Letter to Sophie Olivia

I wrote this yesterday when I was having a really hard day... And I cried the whole time:

Dear Sophie,
Today was really hard. But I bet you already know that. I bet you know more about me than even I do. I mean, I'm your mommy and being in Heaven, I bet you keep an eye out for me. I'd do the same for my mom. But I'm writing you anyway because I haven't acknowledged you or my pain or my grief in so long, and I know I owe you that. Because I love you and I am so proud that you're mine. I just miss you SO MUCH. I mean, I get the whole eternal perspective, I really do. And I am happy you haven't had to suffer here on earth like I have. But still, this heartache is just horrible. And I want more than anything just to be with you. I feel so selfish for it, but that's how my heart feels. I just want my little girl. Sophie, my life feels so empty without you. I know that someday things will be better. But right now? It's so hard. And I just want to make you proud, Sophie. I just want to be a good mommy for you, and I'm sorry if I've let you down. Just know I love you so much and I miss you and that I'm always thinking f you and you'll forever be my little girl. I love you so much. Stay with me, sweetpea. I need you so much. As hard as life is without you, I thank God for you, because you also keep me going. You're my everything; my world, Sophie, and I will always and forever love you. NEVER forget that, sweetheart. Because I do. I love you. So much I cannot even put it into words.

Love always and forever,                                                                                    

Mommie Katie

A mother's love never dies.