Goodnight Letter to Sophie Olivia and Tobi Winn Korie

"Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings. Godspeed... Sweet Dreams."

I am feeling quite subdued this night, angels, but my heart is full of you two. I love you both and miss you so much, but I know the gardens of heaven are bright and beautiful because you two are there. I read a post today on my Tumblr blog and it said, "You have no soul. You ARE a soul. You HAVE a body." I thought this was so beautiful and true. You two were little souls who never gained a body, but your souls are with me now. I feel you two close within my ancient heart, and I know you will never leave me.

I don't have a whole lot to say this tired evening, but I want to swear my love to you right now. You two are my whole world and I am so honored and blessed to have two perfect angels like you in my heart. I will always love you, to the moon and back six thousand times, and then some. You two are my world, my reason. My whole heart and soul. I love you and I will dream of you two, playing up in heaven. I will dream of us being in a beautiful field, having the time of our lives. You are forever a part of me. You are forever my little boy and little girl. No one can take that love from me.

Tobi, look after your little sister. Make sure she is safe, even though Heaven is the safest place there is. And Sophie, make sure your brother gets love too. Make sure he gets lots of hugs and kisses. I love you both, and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love always and forever,

Mommie Katie

A mother's love never dies...♥♥♥

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I like to take pictures and edit them and add words. So, today I made two. One is a poem called Little Angels and the other are lyrics from the song Wheel of the World by Carrie Underwood. I thought it's be nice to share them here because they make me feel better, and maybe they might help others feel better too.

A mother's love never dies... ♥♥♥

Productive Mommy

I don't like to talk about myself on this blog, but today, I am.
I have been thinking about Sophie constantly, which I think is healthy because she is definitely a motivation for me. I recently went to a psychological crisis center due to suicidal thoughts, but I was scared of them. I always end up thinking, "I don't want to disappoint Sophie." Well, thank God, I managed to get there and get help.
The doctors there sent me away with prescriptions for Haloperidol and Prozac, but upping my usual dose 20mg. It's been about two weeks since I left and the difference is like night and day. They have boosted my will to live and my energy. I have been able to go to bed before midnight and get up by nine in the morning. Lots of sleep, which has been difficult because I have been having lots of abdominal pain and I believe I have inherited the lovely and joyous [insert sarcastic eye roll here] sleep apnea. So, I wake up often, but I have actually been sleeping better, which I am happy about.
This productiveness will help me get up more and be moving, which will help with my weight. I've noticed in two days alone, I have dropped three pounds due to me just getting up and doing things. I am thinking positively about this, because I have needed this. My mood swings [from happiness and contentedness to depressed and suicidal in a heartbeat] are becoming shorter and less occurring, which I am also happy about. All of this is good news.
I go back to the university on the 24th, moving in with two roommates that I hope will be positive influences on me. I hope to start afresh this semester and pick my grades up and work out through these problematic situations. I am excited for a fresh new start. I think this year is the year of ironing out these problems.
And most of all, this will be the first full year making Sophie an active, daily part of my life, which I am really starting to love. My depressive moods are growing shorter, so I can cherish my daughter much more now than before. I can continue up her legacy and keep this blog flowing and growing. I am hoping to be receiving some emails here soon about other angels' stories, so the support and strength can continue to grow.
Overall, my state of mind is very clear, and I am ready for life to come again. I am ready to get back into living. I think I have a very special angel to thank for this new refreshed productiveness to thank, and so I send all my love up to her today. I love you Sophie Bug.♥♥♥
A mother's love never dies.

A Scrapbook for Sophie Olivia

I know it has been ages since I last posted, but that's okay. I have needed some time lately. But in this time, a lot has happened, one being that I completed [well, two and a half pages from finished] Sophie's scrapbook. And man, is it beautiful! I just now realized I never posted anything on her birthday, which really makes me sad, but that's okay.

It had to be one of the most tender days of my life. Several of my friends came to celebrate with me, writing/creating a page for her for the scrapbook. They all were just so beautiful and I couldn't wait for them to all be together. We did a balloon release and we had a cupcake and lit it and sang Happy Birthday to her. It was pure beauty, that moment. My friend Kimberly was the one who provided it for me, and I am eternally grateful for her and her contribution.
Here are some of the pictures from the occasion:

I loved this day so much, and I incorporated a lot of these pictures into her actual scrapbook. And I think I will keep this post a picture based post and show the pages, in order, of how it came together. Of the missing pictures are two blank pictures, which I have yet to make that will go at the end before the cowgirl page, and one that my mom is putting together. Also, sorry that some of the pictures are sideways.... it is what it is. Just turn your head :P And another also... I did draw those three sketch pictures towards the end there. And I am proud of them! So, anywho, here it is... Sophie's Scrapbook:

 

 

Thank you for the continued support.

And Happy Birthday, Sophie Olivia Nichols. I love you so much it hurts, but you are right here in my heart... Always. ♥

A mother's love never dies...♥

Consumed

Today, I'm really hurting. Sophie's birthday is coming up. It's Tuesday and that's so scary for me. She'd be four. Four! Can you believe it? I'd have a bouncing, smiling, giggling little girl who would be practically thrilled that her big day would be coming up. I'd probably have her birthday party tomorrow, since it's a Saturday and that would work best for me. And she'd probably be asking me what I'd gotten her, but I'd be explaining that I couldn't tell her. Tonight, I'd probably curl up with her in my arms, watching some Disney movies. Probably Tangled. I bet she'd love that movie just as much as her mama loves it.And then after a movie, I'd get her in her pajamas and tuck her in, kissing her forehead and singing her favorite lullaby  And I'd sit there until she drifted off to sleep.
And then her birthday! She'd probably be up way before I'd be ready to get up. She'd be jumpy on the bed, saying it was her birthday. But I'd get up, groggy and all, and pull her in my arms and wish her happy  birthday. I give her lots of kisses and hugs. And then I'd make her whatever she wanted for breakfast. And then it would be the frenzy of getting ready for a party AND taking care of the little tyke who had more energy than a whole army, packed into a tiny little four year old's body. But it would be so worth it, seeing those smiles and seeing my sweet little girl so happy and excited. I'd be taking so many pictures. I'd be helping her tear all of the paper off of her packages, helping her to read her birthday cards, and making sure she thanked everyone.

And then there'd be that cake! I bet she'd love chocolate. So unlike her mom, though. I hate chocolate cake, but I'd get her it anyway because she loves it. She's be all smiles when she saw it, all because of her. There'd four candles on top, among the words 'Happy Birthday Sophie!". She'd smile as we all sang to her and then she'd wait until I was kneeling beside her, my arm around her. She'd wait for me to whisper,"Make a wish!" before she would smile and blow out those candles. And then we'd all clap and cheer, because she would officially  be that four year old, even if it wasn't exactly her day of birth. But she'd feel like she was four. And if anyone asked how old she was, she'd hold up four of her tiny fingers, a smile on her face. She was a big girl because she was four!
And I can just imagine taking her home afterwards, having to pack all of her presents and all the leftovers in the car. I'd make her give hugs to everyone and say thank you to them. Then I'd have a tyke hyped up on sugar for the rest of the night,but I'd be okay with that.I'd let her go crazy [to an extent] and we'd have so much fun until she finally crashed. Then it would be bed time and she'd want to stay up, even though she was practically passing out in my arms.

I'd have her all tucked in, her eyes drooping with every passing moment. I'd tell her how much I love her and I'd give her some hugs and kisses before leaving my baby in bed to fall asleep and dream happily. I can see this and feel this. It's like it's real. I can see that sweet little face so vividly in my mind. And maybe that's why it hurts so much... Because I can see this so clearly, but yet... It's not true.

I wish more than anything that my little Sophie was here... That I'd be able to do all of this with her. To share my life with her.I wish I could hold her in my arms, shower her with her mother's kisses, and tell her endlessly how much I love her. But she's not here. And that part of my life is missing. SHE is missing. My baby is so important to me. She MEANS so much to me. And yet, my sweet pea isn't here. Yes, she's in heaven. She is happy and safe and watching over me and with other beautiful little children, waiting for their mommies and daddies. And I can't wait to be with her someday. But for the time being... My heart is heavy. I miss her so much.

I'd give anything for a day with my angel here on earth. I'd give anything to have her in my arms for sure. I wish I could show her and give her all the love I have for her. But it's not t he same long distance. It's just not the same. It's so hard. But all I can do is fight on.
Sophie, I hope you  know just how much your mommy loves you. I love you to the moon and back and then some. You are my world and my love and my precious little angel. I love you so much and I can't wait to finally be with you someday. Give Jenna a hug for me and her mom and make sure you wish her an extra big happy birthday today. And I bet she'll do the same for you on Tuesday. I love you my sweet pea. I love you until the end of time, and then some.
A mother's love never dies.

Ballerina

I made some more pictures. I think it is really good therapy for me to take song lyrics that remind me of my little ones and put them to pictures. And so, here is one of my newer ones.

Lyrics from the Song Ballerina by Leona Naess.

Sophie, I love you.  You will always be mine...

A mother's love never dies.



Seven Years Ago... Today

I thought today would be a mess for me. I thought today would be a day where I fell to my knees, crying hard than I ever have before. I thought my heart would break all over again. I thought I would be a mess and be unable to smile at all. Why? Today marks the seventh year anniversary since I miscarried Tobi. I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was the day my childhood really died. I have never been the same since. And I thought I'd be just as much of a mess today as I was all the other seven years. But I wasn't.
In fact, I was able to smile today. Laugh until I cried. Talk to a wonderful Sister from my church about my lost. I spent a day happy for almost the entire span. And then I realized something... Being ripped apart by grief didn't have to be my life. Grief could still happen, but WHY should I be distraught, every single day? Because you know what? My children are SAFE. They will never be harmed ever. And they are still MINE. Someday, we will be together for eternity. I will be able to take them into my arms and tell them how much I love them. And that is something so priceless for me.
"Sometimes, the most beautiful things live in some of the darkest places, but just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't able to bless your life. Besides, the most sacred things cannot merely be seen with our eyes... They must be felt by the heart and soul. And I will always have that special place in my heart for those things most beautiful. If there's anything I know for certain about myself, it's that. I have been caught in some very dark times... So dark, I have nearly been swallowed up. But I think I just needed to close my eyes and feel with my heart. It was then that I saw everything I needed. It was then that I could smile. It was in that one moment that I was able to know it would be okay. Perfect? Far from it. But I think I can smile now, and know that there is more to this life than what meets the eyes, and some of the most beautiful things in this world can only be seen by the heart. And somehow, I have been blessed with the ability to see some priceless beauties. Will life ever be as simple as I could have hoped? Of course not. But I think I can smile now, and not break. I think I can laugh and have a day where I'm not overwhelmed with pain. I have been so blessed, and I think it's time to find the sunshine by looking with my heart, not my eyes. For our eyes are blind to the true beauty and worth of things in this world. You just have to have the faith to look with the heart. It's then that you find where you belong. It's then that you can find everything you're looking for. With time, all you could need or want can be found when looking with your soul. I have faith that the Lord will guide me if I trust in Him and let Him guide me through my soul, rather than my eyes. A place in my soul has been touched by the Spirit today, and I am just so blessed to have been able to turn a day like today into something beautiful... All it took was a little leap of faith and trusting in the Lord. And He has blessed me."
I wrote that today, on Facebook... Talking about how I gained two of the most beautiful things this world has to offer, in the midst of the darkest time of my life: children. I have two beautiful angels that live in my heart. And if I keep my heart open, my life will be so much more full. Because if I only see with my eyes, all I will see is the loss. All I will see is how my children aren't in my arms. But if I look with my eyes, I will see two beautiful little angels, smiling at me. They will make me happy and cause my heart to rejoice... Because I am a mother. Of angels, yes. But I am still a mother, and I love my children. And someday, we will be together forever.
Is there still a twinge of pain? Of course! I am only human. Am I still grieving? Of course! I have lost two children. But who's to say that I cannot also rejoice, knowing that I have two children who will never know the hate and evil of this world, yet will be with me forever? I think that is something to celebrate... They were precious for this world, and I am lucky enough to have TWO angels like that... What a blessing! I am such a proud angel mother today. Well, more so that most days because I was able to be happy, yet still remember my sweet little children. Nothing in this world will change the love I have for Tobi and Sophie. Nothing will change that I do miss them. But there is a difference between missing them and being destroyed with grief. My little ones haven't truly left me. I just have to wait a while before I can spend forever with them. But regardless, I will get to spend forever with them. And that is a priceless gift.
I am so joyed for today. I have been filled with such a sense of peace, and that is somewhere I have longed to be. My heart is so full of my love for Tobi and Sophie, and yet so stilled with peace. I pray that this feeling lasts for longer than today, because I think this is where I need to be. I think Tobi and Sophie are smiling right now, seeing their mommie happy today, but still holding them in her heart. This is a place where I can live again. And I am okay with that. Tobi and Sophie aren't leaving. The only difference is the ability to be happy. And I think that it's okay to be happy.
What a day...
To my sweet children, Tobi and Sophie: You are forever in my heart, loved so much. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop missing you. But I promise I will do my best to stay happy... To look with my heart, so I can see you and be with you. I love you both so much. I am so blessed to be your mom. And I cannot wait to spend forever with you!
A mother's love never dies.

Story for Angel Mothers

So, I am a writer, as well as an angel mother. I love to write, especially about trials in life that are common, but not really known to be as big as they really are.I have an inspiration to write a story about angel mothers. But I need YOUR help for this!
For every loss, every mother handles the loss/pain different. This is where I need help- If there are any mothers who would like to share their thoughts and stories, as well as things they do in their daily life for this story, PLEASE email me at angelmomsunited@yahoo.com so I can talk to you. You WILL get full credit for any/all material you submit to me. You also have the options of submitting as little to as much information as you’d like.
I want to spread awareness of the life angel moms live, so if you can please help, I’d appreciate it! When you email me, just mention that you have interest in the book and I'd love to talk to you about more!


A mother’s love never dies.

MaryAnn- Angel Baby

I got a story about a beautiful little angel girl today from her mom. It breaks my heart the loss this family much be going through, and I am honored to share their story:

I am an angel mom to a beautiful little girl named MaryAnn. I found out that I was pregnant with twins just about 3 years ago. A boy and a girl. As my pregnancy continued we discovered that our little girl, MaryAnn, was Anencephalic. This is a Neurological defect that basically means that our little girl was going to be born with most a her brain. MaryAnn and her little brother Noah were born on Dec. 13 of 2010. MaryAnn died on Jan. 5 2011 and her organs were donated. Noah is a completely healthy and rambunctious 2 year old little boy.

MaryAnn- You were such a beautiful little soul... Too beautiful for earth. You are sorely missed. But I know that you are looking over your mom and dad and your twin brother. I know you love them very much. You are so loved and forever missed. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

A mother's love never dies.

The Most Beautiful Video Ever.

So, I submitted my kiddos' names and a picture of what my Sophie would have looked like to this wonderful lady who put them in her video for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. It is so beautiful and some of the lovely mothers' names from this blog are on it as well. And I just wanted to share it. It's beaufitul.

Miscarriage, Still Birth, and Infant Death Video < 3

A mother's love never dies.

A Letter to Sophie Olivia

I wrote this yesterday when I was having a really hard day... And I cried the whole time:

Dear Sophie,
Today was really hard. But I bet you already know that. I bet you know more about me than even I do. I mean, I'm your mommy and being in Heaven, I bet you keep an eye out for me. I'd do the same for my mom. But I'm writing you anyway because I haven't acknowledged you or my pain or my grief in so long, and I know I owe you that. Because I love you and I am so proud that you're mine. I just miss you SO MUCH. I mean, I get the whole eternal perspective, I really do. And I am happy you haven't had to suffer here on earth like I have. But still, this heartache is just horrible. And I want more than anything just to be with you. I feel so selfish for it, but that's how my heart feels. I just want my little girl. Sophie, my life feels so empty without you. I know that someday things will be better. But right now? It's so hard. And I just want to make you proud, Sophie. I just want to be a good mommy for you, and I'm sorry if I've let you down. Just know I love you so much and I miss you and that I'm always thinking f you and you'll forever be my little girl. I love you so much. Stay with me, sweetpea. I need you so much. As hard as life is without you, I thank God for you, because you also keep me going. You're my everything; my world, Sophie, and I will always and forever love you. NEVER forget that, sweetheart. Because I do. I love you. So much I cannot even put it into words.

Love always and forever,                                                                                    

Mommie Katie

A mother's love never dies.

Tonight is Beautiful- Sophie Olivia

I wrote a letter/poem for my Sophie tonight. Because I just can't stop thinking about her. And since I can't, I want to try and always capture how I'm feeling. But I liked how this turned out and I don't know... I wanted to share a piece of mine and Sophie's heart:

Tonight, two hearts beat as one and two frowns turn upside down. There’s just tonight, only room for two. When the morning sun comes to play, all dreams will fade away. But for now, I’ll smile as I look at you. Two hearts beating as one.

Tonight, my heart will be whole, because two halves make one. The night may be short, but I have all the time in the world. When I wake from this blissful dance, it’ll all pass at a glance. But for now, I’ll smile. My heart will be whole.

Tonight, there will be no tears to cry and two will be enough. The night might be cold and dark, but your light is all I need. When tomorrow comes, I’ll have to hold you in my heart. But for now, I can hold you in my arms. There will be no tears to cry.

Tonight, I’ll curl up alone, but still with you. The night is a mysterious play all around me, but you’re all that’s real to me. When daylight blinds with reality, you’ll return to the secret place inside me. But for now, you are all of me. And I am with you.

Tonight, dreams come true when I see you. There’s just tonight, but it’s perfected by you. When the morning comes, everything will be the same old painful place. But for now, I’ll hold onto this dream. And I’ll dream of you.

Tonight, my heart beats for two and I can smile. There’s always tonight, where I never cease to be with you. Even when the morning comes, we are still forever one. For now, I’ll dream about my one and only; my entire world. I am with you.

And even when the days are sorely won, and our dreams diminish, you’re always be in my heart, and my heart will beat for both of us. Though the nights are cold and scary, Tonight is beautiful. Together we are one, forever and ever, unchanged by time and space.  Never fear the darkness around you, for a light will surely come. For there is always light at the end of the endless nights. And that’s when I’ll finally see you.

So tonight, two hearts beat as one and two frowns turn upside down. There’s always tonight, but tonight is all I need. For when tomorrow comes sure as day, in my heart you’ll always stay. But for every day there is a night, and then everything will be alright. For I will be with my only one.

I love you so much Sophie. Mommy loves and misses you so much, and she's trying not to be sad. For you. Have fun with all the angels. I'll see you tonight... <3
A mother's love never dies.

A Letter to Antonio Santiago- Angel Baby

Here is the other email I got from angel baby Antonio's mom. A sweet letter to her baby..:

Antonio Santiago.. my dearest baby angel,

You’re on my mind today.. I was looking at the calendar & you would be 4 years & 1 month old today.

I could only imagine & wonder what you’d look like.. more like me or your daddy?
How you’d behave.. would you be independent, dependent, respectful, bratty?
Would you be shy or outgoing? Love to learn & explore, love to play baseball like your dad,

 want to watch Disney movies with me, or would you be entirely unique?

 A combination of mine and your daddy's up bringing that allowed you to develop your own personality & preference.

Are you really looking down on me like they say? Can you really hear me when I pray & cry? Does God deliver messages? 

Is that you pulling on my heart strings? If it is, wow baby boy! You are incredibly strong!!

Today I will cry for your absence, I will cry for the unknown.. keeping in mind, “everything happens for a reason.”

Even though I only held you once, I love you as if I've known you my entire life.

 I love you & it grows more and more with every breathe I take, every blink, every tear, 

every laugh, every word, syllable, sound, thought, heart beat, everything & anything.

Rest in peace, my darling son. I love you, Antonio Santiago. Siempre y para siempre chiquito.
Your mommy & daddy hope to meet you one sweet day, God willing. 

-January 20, 2009, I gave birth to an angel.

<3 Elizabeth C. Leyva

A mother's love never dies.

A Really Hard Angel Mommy Day- Sophie Olivia

I am having a hard angel mommy day today... I think it started when I got an anonymous message telling me I was basically lying about Sophie. I mean, my heart was already broken,  but that just hit me where it hurt... And so I have been fighting grief all day today. Trying SO hard to be happy, to feel better... But that isn't working. I just miss my daughter SO much. So what have I done? I have made pictures... And wrote letters to my little girl....:

 I miss you so much, Sophie. Not a day goes by where my heart doesn’t break from the grief I feel from not having you here. But I love you so SO much, baby. Mommy loves you forever and always. You’re my world and I am so proud to be your mom. These lyrics are perfect… Because I know everything will be alright someday, but right now, I’m barely surviving. And I know that makes you so sad. I am just so overwhelmed without you here… If only I could see you… See you smiling up at me like I know you would… Everything would be okay. I would do anything in the world for that, Sophie. And every single night, I dream about you. I get lost in those great big beautiful eyes of yours… Oh, they’re so beautiful… And for those few moments, everything is alright… I love you, Sophie. I love you so much...

  

 I am not complete without you, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, nothing takes away the pain of living a moment without you. Nothing is worse than loosing you. I’ve lost you, and there is nothing in the whole wide world that could ever replace you or fill the void in my heart that is the place where I try so hard to hold you. I cry and cry, but nothing helps. I just miss you. But someday, I know I’ll finally greet you. I’ll finally see you. I’ll finally hold you. I’ll finally tell you “I love you” in person. I’ll finally get to see my beautiful baby. But until then, I just have to hold on to you in my heart. I can’t do anything but live as  best I can and try to make you proud. I know you want Mommy to be happy and to stop crying and to know that it’ll be okay… I just miss you. And someday, I’ll be able to smile and mean it: The day I finally have my baby with me. I cannot wait for that day. I cannot wait until the day that we are reunited and everything will be okay. But for now, I have a guardian angel… A sweet little girl who is mine. And I promise to do my best to make you proud. I promise. <3

Someday, I'll feel better. Maybe. I just hope, at the very least, I can go back to being able to smile again. A broken heart is just impossible... Settling for stolen moments in dreams where I can see her face will have to do. Because it's going to be a long time before I get to see her for real. But I cannot wait for that day... The day where everything will be perfect. <3
A mother's love never dies.

Is he with you?- Antonio Santiago

 Is he with you? unfinished rambling

You know I sit and remember when you were still a part of me,

 I went for months not knowing you were there inside of me.

 I had all the signs; I had all the symptoms

 And yet your mama was stupid, i made the wrong decisions.

 And as I sit and remember,

 I try to forget...

 Your life with me on this earth

 was never meant to be.

 God had given you a soul, a life, a name. 

 He made you a soldier, and your life he did claim,

 So now things will never be the same,

 Antonio you were mine to give life to; 

 though it was only for a while,

 A lot of things had changed; & now

 I'll never see your smile

 Antonio Santiago my love for you will

never disappear.

Even though its your voice, your laugh 

I'll never get to hear.

You will always be my baby angel.

Though I've never seen your face,

not a thing in this world can ever take your place.

You are daddy's lost pride 

& you are mommy's lost angel

We never thought this would happen;

we never imagined it'd be real 

But since it was; since it is...

  We will always miss you & 

wonder...."Jesus, is he with you?"

  But then we will look to the sky, 

even though we can't see you..

  we know that every move we make 

you'll be watching from the heavens..

  and laughing at our mistakes. 

Baby we aren't perfect, 

 (Lost focus)

 As you probably very well know

 we don't even__ ..

 But baby we promise, even though meeting you
wasn't for fate..__

 not a thing in this world will EVER take your place...

A mother's love never dies.