Antonio Santiago- Angel Baby

I have gotten a couple emails from this beautiful angel mommie today. I think this story hits home even more for me because this little boy would be just about the same age as my Sophie. I have the privilege to posting a few more things from this mommie in a few minutes... For now, here's Antonio's story:

Well his name is Antonio Santiago. I lost him when I was 16 years old. I was 5 months pregnant.. and I NEVER knew that I was. I thought that I was just really sick for a while, I quit going to school as much because I thought I had the flu, and I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so that explained why I had not started my cycle.. I had gone 10 months without a period before so those 5 months didn't worry me that much. I figured my hormones were outta whack.. When I went to the doctor they found no signs of the flu though, & they asked if there was a chance i might be pregnant. I replied with no, and I didn't have insurance so we never ran any tests.. I just figured there was something making me sick, and after a about 2 months the sickness feeling went away, but I was always hungry and thirsty... I blamed that on my weight gain. My sister was pregnant as well with my niece Thalia, we (as old school Mexican as we are) thought I was just feeling what she was feeling. Like a weird sister bond that I felt her pain. We had all noticed me gaining weight, and then I would feel these weird things in my belly that my family justified as acid reflux, when in reality Antonio was kicking... my boyfriend always joked about me being pregnant, but I always thought- it couldn't happen to me, we are always careful! 

Well, January 20, 2009 I was getting ready for school when I felt really weird.. I looked down and my jeans were saturated in blood. I started to freak out, thinking oh my god I finally started. But the cramps were more extreme, and I could just tell something was not right.
I told my brother in law to take me to the emergency room for the pain, well they took me back and asked if i could give them a urine sample, and then before I got up I fell to my knees in pain. When I got up the nurse laid me down on the bed and felt my belly, and said, "Darling, how far along are you? You said you were bleeding?!? DOCTOR!"  I responded by saying I wasn't pregnant just bloated from the PCOS and trying to explain.. but she said no, feel here.. you're pregnant.. and possibly going through a miscarriage. I felt my belly and then it clicked... I wasn't feeling gas bubbles and acid reflux, that was him the whole time.. how could I have been so naive.. (I say that now being 21, but at 16 I honestly didn't know any better.)

They showed me the ultrasound, and Antonio was still fighting to hold on.. I sat there alone because my brother was outside trying to call my mom  & boyfriend because in the building the cellphones don't work.. but 3 hours went by, and I just laid there listening to his and my heart beat.. praying that he would make it, and praying for forgiveness for being so irresponsible. without going into much detail after that.. I lost him, at 10:08pm.. The memory is still fresh, and still just as painful.. Today he would be 4 years and 1 month exactly.. Seeing my nieces that are around his age always get me teary eyed thinking he would be playing with them.. I really have to take a break from this.. I didn't realize that writing it down, not in a poetry form, would be more difficult. <3 one sweet day, Antonio. I'll write again in a few..

 Antonio- You are greatly missed, and I know that your mom misses you so so much. You are a hansom angel now, though, and I bet you're watching over your mom all the time, making sure you're with her. You are forever in her heart and always will be her little boy. You are so so loved and missed, and someday, you and your mom will be together again forever.
A mother's love never dies.

Bad Angel Mommy Day- Aeron Carter

Received an email from Aeron's mom today, and it seems like I'm not the only one who is having a hard day today. I know how hard it can be and I am so heartbroken for the unbearable pain angel moms endur every single day. Here's her story from today:

 Such a hard angel mommy day...
Lately I've been having this urge to draw babies and baby things and look at baby things,I dont know why but today when my boyfriend came over(Aerons dad) I lost it. Because of our age we have to wait at least 6 more years to TTC. I hate it. And we started talking about it,And how big my belly would have been and how in 10 weeks we would have had a newborn with us. But then I completely realized thats not happening,I broke down..I just started crying out his name. And I started crying about having to wait at least that long,But then he said it would be longer than that because we HAVE to be married first in his mind. I really hate that. I want a baby first before anything...And then we started talking about the day that we lost our baby,I hurt so bad and there was so many things I had never said to him. He put everyone before me and our baby,He didn't even think about our baby. I was just so hurt I screamed at him I let all of my negative feelings about him.I feels so awful for what I said..I hated him that day,because just a few minutes before my miscarriage started he said that I should get an abortion,because me and him are so,so young. I was so upset at him. I feel so awful about the things I said,But then yet I feel better..
   I've just been having such a hard time lately...Gosh I wish my baby was still here with me..He would have been so loved by everyone..Ive attached one of the art pieces I did for my son..Please add that I am willing to do any special art for fellow angel mom's. (:

To Aeron's Angel Mom- There are going to be days where it just seems impossible. Today was my day too. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I wish there was something I could say that would make it all go away, but there isn't. It's impossible to be happy and whole after losing an angel. Just know that sweet little Aeron is still with you. You hold him in your heart and he is so close to you always. He loves you so much and he is looking out for you. It's going to be hard, but just keep remembering your son. The best I can do on days when I really am missing Sophie is just do the best to do everything for her as if she were really here with me. I'd try and be happy and do things that would make her happy and proud of me. Sometimes, that's the best we can do. Thank you for fighting on. <3
A mother's love never dies.

Hard Days- Sophie Olivia

Today is one of those days where not having my baby is killing me… It’s like a knife right in the chest. Worse than that. It's like trying to breath, but you can't, and you're suffocating. It's like every internal nerve is on fire but I cannot release that pain externally. It's horrible. All I want to do is curl up and cry for Sophie. Because I just miss her so much. And this pain doesn’t just fade after over four years. It doesn’t. Sometimes, I feel like it gets worse. I just miss my angel with all my heart. I wish for even just a moment, I could see her. Hold her. Tell her I love her. Kiss her on the forehead and sing her lullabies as she falls asleep. Anything. But things like that only happen in dreams… I just wish these dreams could come true.
I don't know why today is so much harder than yesterday. Yesterday I was fine. I was happy! I was having a great time. But then this morning? It's like my life was sucked away. I don't know why. I hate how bipolar my days can end up. I don't want to keep feeling this bad, but I do. All the time. I'm still trying to figure out just what it is that will make every day bearable, instead of having days like these where I just cannot function. So far, I haven't come up with a perfect solution. I'm not even sure one exists.
One of the hardest  things lately is trying to get the courage to tell two of my friends this story. i mean, for the most part, it's getting easier. Except for these two friends. Why? Well... Because they already know half of the story. But the other half they know is a lie. They were the two who knew what happened before I started my freshman year of high school. They were there the whole time I was suspecting pregnancy. One knew from the moment that I suspected. The other one didn't, because I lied to her. At this moment, my heart is  breaking because I recently told her that I had lied... But she still doesn't know the story. I think. Maybe she figured it out a long time ago, but regardless, I know I need to tell her.
As far as I know, neither of my two friends knows what really happened. One of them I don't really talk to anymore. The other I talk to a lot. I see her a lot. We're at the same college. Go to church together. Text. Talk on Facebook. All of that. But I just have always felt guilty for not telling one of my best friends the truth, especially considering how she's been there for me through thick and thin. She's helped me through a lot of trials, and I am so grateful for her... and yet, she still doesn't know the truth.
A part of me thinks sending this to her will be the best. Another part knows she deserves to be told in person. But that same part knows I am a coward like that and I don't have the guts to go up to her and tell her. I don't think any part of me could stand to see the look on her face. Regardless of the reaction.. I've known her for over six years. And I think the longer you know someone, the harder it is to be brave over important things... especially when you know you've messed up. All I know is I'm tired of lying to my friend. She deserves to know the truth. And I'm tired of feeling guilty. I hate being the bad friend and I just want to make things right. Will this make things right? I hope so. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But I know it has to be done.
I also know that Sophie wants me to do the right thing. And I want to make Sophie proud. I want her to know that I can be brave and honest enough to do the right thing. I don't get why it's so hard to talk about my daughter... I mean, I love her so much, with my whole entire being. Even though she's no longer here, she's still my everything. I find I do more and more just for her... To try and be the best mom there is. So that when we are together someday, she can look at me and say, "I'm proud of you, Mom." Those words would make every hardship worth it six times over. Just to see her, hold her, love her... know that she is mine... It makes everything bearable. And yet, at the same time, living without her is unbearable. It's so confusing. I am so proud to be Sophie's mom. I really, truly am. But with the way I've acted the past four years? I am ashamed. Because I acted like I didn't want her. I hope she knows that's not true. I've always wanted her. I still want her. I'd give anything to change that one day... To give her a second chance at living. I truly believe she'd be here if it wasn't for one particular day when I was beaten while pregnant... My daughter could be here. Alive.

I cannot decide on how I feel. Because there really is no proper word to describe this pain. I'm hoping that the days like these where nothing seems worth is start growing fewer and fewer. But for now, they're still very real and they occur very often. And sometimes, I am too good of an actress and no one can see how absolutely distraught and broken and dead I am on the inside. This feeling is the worst... And I just wish they would go away...
But I will keep fighting. Always. For Sophie. Because I know she believes in me. She knows I can do it. And I will do anything for my angel. Always...

Last night I listened to a song I know, but I cried because the words speak what I want more than anything because of Sophie. And I think now is a beautiful time to share them. The second half of the song is what I often pray and say to myself... The thing I wish more than anything in the world... The words I often find myself saying each night before I drift to sleep:

Who can say for certain? Maybe you're still here. I feel you all around me, your memories so clear. Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak. You're still an inspiration. Can it be... That you are mine, forever love? And you are watching over me from up above? Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star. I wish upon tonight to see you smile. If only for a while to know you're there... A breath away's not far to where you are.
Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen. As my heart holds you just one beat away, I cherish all you gave me everyday. Cause you are mine, forever love. Watching me from up above.And I believe that angels breathe and that love will live on and never leave. Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star. I wish upon tonight to see you smile. If only for a while to know you're there. A breath away's not far to where you are. I know you're there... A breath away's not far to where you are.

This song is To Where You Are by Josh Groban. And it's beautiful. Someday... I will see you, Sophie. I will get to see you smile. I will get to hold you in my arms. For now, I can only hold you in my heart. I can only dream of you. I can only try and make you proud. I look forward to the day when I am finally with you, forever.
A mother's love never dies.

The Best and Most Beautiful -Sophie Olivia

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched- they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

I just read this beautiful quote and you know what? I totally thought about my Sophie. This...This is what being an angel mom is! Feeling the beautiful spirit of the children who are no longer with us. Their spirits are the most beautiful and I am beyond blessed to be a mother of one of them. I have never been able to see my Sophie alive and smiling, happy and full of life. I have never been able to touch her, flesh and bones. But I have felt her in my heart. Alive, happy, whole... and perfect. and this quote just made my heart flare up with love... Because I know that Sophie is there. And I can feel her. She is forever my little girl. <3
A mother's love never dies.

Unknown But Forever Loved- Angel Baby

I received this email tonight and my heart has grown even more. I think as mothers, just the idea that we had life within us makes us a mother, and that love never dies. And the same goes for this lovely angel mother. I can feel her heartache and sadness through her words, and my heart breaks for this lovely angel mom. Here is her baby's story:

I'm 17 years old. My story starts last year in August, I was a virgin. I went to a party and I lost it to a friend. He was also one of my friends boyfriend. He told me bluntly the next morning that if I was pregnant to "Go to the hospital or something, and snip it" I just cried. I was so terrified. 3 weeks later the fair came to my town, without thinking, I went with some friends half way through the night I got terrible, terrible cramps. So bad I sat on the disgusting ground with my knees to my chin, crying.. Waiting for my friends to take me home. The next day I started bleeding like crazy. It was absolutely horrific.I talked to my friend who is a nurse & she thinks I had an early miscarriage. And even though I didn't even know I was pregnant, & even though i was in no way prepared to be a mommy, i miss my angel, more than anything in the entire world. & id give anything to have my baby back. I've only told my nurse friend & my bestie. I feel so completely alone. I never named my Angel.. But I love my baby with all of my heart & not a day goes by that i don't think of my angel<3 

 Sweet baby- You are forever loved and missed by your mom, and I know you will forever be her baby. You have a very special place in her heart and you will always be her child. She loves you and misses you and cannot wait to meet you at last.
A mother's love never dies.

Lola Rose- Angel Baby

The second email I received today comes from a mom I have had the privilege of speaking to before. I have a Tumblr account, which is one of the places I have started spreading the word about this blog. It was through Tumblr that we started talking and I got to hear Lola's story for the first time. I have been amazed at just how many angel mothers there are out there, and with every story I post, the more my heart just grows for the love of all these angel babies and their parents. Here is Lola's story:

This is about a beautiful princess who never made it to her mama's arms..

Finding out you're pregnant is such a scary time but with it brings so much hope, joy and excitement. From day one, I knew that I loved the tiny life that was in my belly. I knew that no matter what, I was going to do my best to take care of this tiny person that belonged to me.

Pregnancy wasn't easy, the sickness and exhaustion was tough. But I didn't mind, I was getting closer to seeing my little baby girl. As each day passed, my hopes and dreams for this little life were growing. I had planned a whole new life for myself and my child. By the time I was 8 weeks pregnant my belly had began to pop out. From then on, I'd wake everyday and run to the mirror and hitch up my shirt to see if my belly had miraculously grown more over night. At 10 weeks, I had a noticeable baby belly. This just made me more excited. I couldn't wait for the next few months to pass and for me to hold my little baby girl, smell her new baby scent, feel her silky soft skin. I wanted time to go faster so that I could feel whole as a person. I felt like this baby was slowly making everything in my life perfect, I was truly happy!

Sadly my world was about to come crashing down on me at 11 weeks 5 days pregnant. I was two days off seeing my little girl for the first time. But I never got to see her, I never heard her heart flutter. I started bleeding, it wasn't bad at first but it just kept getting worse. And I was having serious abdominal cramps. By the time I made it to the hospital, the pain was unbearable..I could hardly walk. This was when I was told that I was miscarrying my little girl. I think I screamed the place down, I was crying and screaming uncontrollably. The grief and pain was shattering!

When I was finally able to go home, all I did was curl up in bed and hide away. I did this for a very long time. I needed the time to grieve the loss of my daughter. The pain shattered me, it completely broke my heart. I couldn't fight it, it was too strong and I simply had nothing left in me to fight it. I wanted to let the pain eat me up just like it had destroyed every hope and dream I had.

It's been almost three whole years since I miscarried my beautiful Lola Rose. As each day passes, the pain never fades. It will stay with me, I have since learnt to live alongside it. I have days where I can't even lift my head up off the pillow because the grief is too much to bear. But other days, I look up to the sky and smile because I'm blessed to have a beautiful Angel baby watching over me. Miscarriages devastate lives and break hearts but a mothers love will never fade. I love my Angel baby endlessly. Mummy loves you millions my little princess ❤

 Lola- You are so so missed, and you are so loved. I know your mom misses you so much and I know she loves you with her whole heart. And I am sure you miss her and love her too, and want her to be happy. I know you'll forever be a part of her. You will always be her little princess. And I am sure you and all the other angel babies are up there looking out for all of us angel moms and dads, making sure we're okay. Because you know you'll see us someday soon and we'll be together again forever.

Leiann- Angel Baby

 I have received two emails today of stories. this first one was sent in from angel baby Emma's mom, from a friend of hers. She told him about the blog and he sent his story to her, and then she sent it in to me. This is the first story I've received from an angel dad. He is such a brave man and I am grateful for all the angel fathers who keep their angel children with them. Unfortunately in society these days, there's a lot of fathers who walk out the moment a baby becomes a part of the picture, or leave once the baby leaves too. And so, I want to personal thank all angel fathers who stick it out to their duty as dads. Here is baby Leiann's story:

Me and Taylor hadn't planned to have a baby at all. We hadn't even been together very long. Five months, I think. Like I said, not long. Tay had started feeling really bad and said she thought she had the flu. She called into work a few days and just stayed in bed. I asked if she'd started her period and if this was just period problems and she suddenly looked scared. She said she hadn't really thought about, but she was quite a bit late. So I went to the store to get a pregnancy test just to see. She took it and it came back positive. We scheduled an appointment and when we went, we found out she was about 5 weeks pregnant. Me and Tay were excited and scared and nervous, but VERY excited. We're both 18 and graduated so we didn't have the whole high school parent thing to deal with. We told our parents. Both of our parents were more excited than we expected and they said they would support us.
Tay's pregnancy was just fine. We went to appointments each month and found out we were having a little girl. Then at about 6 months 2 weeks Tay started having really bad pains that she thought were probably somewhat normal cramps. The cramps didn't stop for about a week and then her water broke, I'm assuming. She went into labor. Tay gave birth to our little girl at almost 7 months. She was stillborn. The doctor's said it looked like she'd been dead for a few weeks. I got to hold my baby girl though. I would give anything to be able to go back and feel her kicking Tay's stomach. Or to talk to her. I feel like I didn't hold her long enough. I have a few pictures of my baby but those can never replace actually seeing her. We had a ceremony/funeral. R.I.P daddy's little girl. Nobody can take your place
Worst part? Tay didn't care. I couldn't even really speak to anyone for a while, she went out and hung out and partied. I'll see my baby again one day though.

 Leiann- You are deeply and sorely missed. It breaks my heart that you're gone from this world. But just know that your daddy loves you so much, and you will forever be his little girl. And someday, you'll be together forever. You're in a beautiful and safe place with all the other angel babies, waiting for their moms and dads to join them, and I just know you're watching over your dad all the time. He loves you and misses you.

I usually like to close my posts with the phrase "A mother's love never dies." But I am choosing to ammend it for angel daddy posts to this:

A parent's love never dies.