Antonio Santiago- Angel Baby

I have gotten a couple emails from this beautiful angel mommie today. I think this story hits home even more for me because this little boy would be just about the same age as my Sophie. I have the privilege to posting a few more things from this mommie in a few minutes... For now, here's Antonio's story:

Well his name is Antonio Santiago. I lost him when I was 16 years old. I was 5 months pregnant.. and I NEVER knew that I was. I thought that I was just really sick for a while, I quit going to school as much because I thought I had the flu, and I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so that explained why I had not started my cycle.. I had gone 10 months without a period before so those 5 months didn't worry me that much. I figured my hormones were outta whack.. When I went to the doctor they found no signs of the flu though, & they asked if there was a chance i might be pregnant. I replied with no, and I didn't have insurance so we never ran any tests.. I just figured there was something making me sick, and after a about 2 months the sickness feeling went away, but I was always hungry and thirsty... I blamed that on my weight gain. My sister was pregnant as well with my niece Thalia, we (as old school Mexican as we are) thought I was just feeling what she was feeling. Like a weird sister bond that I felt her pain. We had all noticed me gaining weight, and then I would feel these weird things in my belly that my family justified as acid reflux, when in reality Antonio was kicking... my boyfriend always joked about me being pregnant, but I always thought- it couldn't happen to me, we are always careful! 

Well, January 20, 2009 I was getting ready for school when I felt really weird.. I looked down and my jeans were saturated in blood. I started to freak out, thinking oh my god I finally started. But the cramps were more extreme, and I could just tell something was not right.
I told my brother in law to take me to the emergency room for the pain, well they took me back and asked if i could give them a urine sample, and then before I got up I fell to my knees in pain. When I got up the nurse laid me down on the bed and felt my belly, and said, "Darling, how far along are you? You said you were bleeding?!? DOCTOR!"  I responded by saying I wasn't pregnant just bloated from the PCOS and trying to explain.. but she said no, feel here.. you're pregnant.. and possibly going through a miscarriage. I felt my belly and then it clicked... I wasn't feeling gas bubbles and acid reflux, that was him the whole time.. how could I have been so naive.. (I say that now being 21, but at 16 I honestly didn't know any better.)

They showed me the ultrasound, and Antonio was still fighting to hold on.. I sat there alone because my brother was outside trying to call my mom  & boyfriend because in the building the cellphones don't work.. but 3 hours went by, and I just laid there listening to his and my heart beat.. praying that he would make it, and praying for forgiveness for being so irresponsible. without going into much detail after that.. I lost him, at 10:08pm.. The memory is still fresh, and still just as painful.. Today he would be 4 years and 1 month exactly.. Seeing my nieces that are around his age always get me teary eyed thinking he would be playing with them.. I really have to take a break from this.. I didn't realize that writing it down, not in a poetry form, would be more difficult. <3 one sweet day, Antonio. I'll write again in a few..

 Antonio- You are greatly missed, and I know that your mom misses you so so much. You are a hansom angel now, though, and I bet you're watching over your mom all the time, making sure you're with her. You are forever in her heart and always will be her little boy. You are so so loved and missed, and someday, you and your mom will be together again forever.
A mother's love never dies.