Hard Days- Sophie Olivia

Today is one of those days where not having my baby is killing me… It’s like a knife right in the chest. Worse than that. It's like trying to breath, but you can't, and you're suffocating. It's like every internal nerve is on fire but I cannot release that pain externally. It's horrible. All I want to do is curl up and cry for Sophie. Because I just miss her so much. And this pain doesn’t just fade after over four years. It doesn’t. Sometimes, I feel like it gets worse. I just miss my angel with all my heart. I wish for even just a moment, I could see her. Hold her. Tell her I love her. Kiss her on the forehead and sing her lullabies as she falls asleep. Anything. But things like that only happen in dreams… I just wish these dreams could come true.
I don't know why today is so much harder than yesterday. Yesterday I was fine. I was happy! I was having a great time. But then this morning? It's like my life was sucked away. I don't know why. I hate how bipolar my days can end up. I don't want to keep feeling this bad, but I do. All the time. I'm still trying to figure out just what it is that will make every day bearable, instead of having days like these where I just cannot function. So far, I haven't come up with a perfect solution. I'm not even sure one exists.
One of the hardest  things lately is trying to get the courage to tell two of my friends this story. i mean, for the most part, it's getting easier. Except for these two friends. Why? Well... Because they already know half of the story. But the other half they know is a lie. They were the two who knew what happened before I started my freshman year of high school. They were there the whole time I was suspecting pregnancy. One knew from the moment that I suspected. The other one didn't, because I lied to her. At this moment, my heart is  breaking because I recently told her that I had lied... But she still doesn't know the story. I think. Maybe she figured it out a long time ago, but regardless, I know I need to tell her.
As far as I know, neither of my two friends knows what really happened. One of them I don't really talk to anymore. The other I talk to a lot. I see her a lot. We're at the same college. Go to church together. Text. Talk on Facebook. All of that. But I just have always felt guilty for not telling one of my best friends the truth, especially considering how she's been there for me through thick and thin. She's helped me through a lot of trials, and I am so grateful for her... and yet, she still doesn't know the truth.
A part of me thinks sending this to her will be the best. Another part knows she deserves to be told in person. But that same part knows I am a coward like that and I don't have the guts to go up to her and tell her. I don't think any part of me could stand to see the look on her face. Regardless of the reaction.. I've known her for over six years. And I think the longer you know someone, the harder it is to be brave over important things... especially when you know you've messed up. All I know is I'm tired of lying to my friend. She deserves to know the truth. And I'm tired of feeling guilty. I hate being the bad friend and I just want to make things right. Will this make things right? I hope so. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But I know it has to be done.
I also know that Sophie wants me to do the right thing. And I want to make Sophie proud. I want her to know that I can be brave and honest enough to do the right thing. I don't get why it's so hard to talk about my daughter... I mean, I love her so much, with my whole entire being. Even though she's no longer here, she's still my everything. I find I do more and more just for her... To try and be the best mom there is. So that when we are together someday, she can look at me and say, "I'm proud of you, Mom." Those words would make every hardship worth it six times over. Just to see her, hold her, love her... know that she is mine... It makes everything bearable. And yet, at the same time, living without her is unbearable. It's so confusing. I am so proud to be Sophie's mom. I really, truly am. But with the way I've acted the past four years? I am ashamed. Because I acted like I didn't want her. I hope she knows that's not true. I've always wanted her. I still want her. I'd give anything to change that one day... To give her a second chance at living. I truly believe she'd be here if it wasn't for one particular day when I was beaten while pregnant... My daughter could be here. Alive.

I cannot decide on how I feel. Because there really is no proper word to describe this pain. I'm hoping that the days like these where nothing seems worth is start growing fewer and fewer. But for now, they're still very real and they occur very often. And sometimes, I am too good of an actress and no one can see how absolutely distraught and broken and dead I am on the inside. This feeling is the worst... And I just wish they would go away...
But I will keep fighting. Always. For Sophie. Because I know she believes in me. She knows I can do it. And I will do anything for my angel. Always...

Last night I listened to a song I know, but I cried because the words speak what I want more than anything because of Sophie. And I think now is a beautiful time to share them. The second half of the song is what I often pray and say to myself... The thing I wish more than anything in the world... The words I often find myself saying each night before I drift to sleep:

Who can say for certain? Maybe you're still here. I feel you all around me, your memories so clear. Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak. You're still an inspiration. Can it be... That you are mine, forever love? And you are watching over me from up above? Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star. I wish upon tonight to see you smile. If only for a while to know you're there... A breath away's not far to where you are.
Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen. As my heart holds you just one beat away, I cherish all you gave me everyday. Cause you are mine, forever love. Watching me from up above.And I believe that angels breathe and that love will live on and never leave. Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star. I wish upon tonight to see you smile. If only for a while to know you're there. A breath away's not far to where you are. I know you're there... A breath away's not far to where you are.

This song is To Where You Are by Josh Groban. And it's beautiful. Someday... I will see you, Sophie. I will get to see you smile. I will get to hold you in my arms. For now, I can only hold you in my heart. I can only dream of you. I can only try and make you proud. I look forward to the day when I am finally with you, forever.
A mother's love never dies.