A month before I turned 13, I lost my virginity to someone I grew up
knowing. His name is Cody and he was 19. I found out I was pregnant and
was terrified. When I told him, he was terrified, too, and told me if I
didn’t have an abortion he would never speak to me again. I couldn’t
bring myself to do it, so I decided to keep my baby. I also decided I
wouldn’t tell my parents until I was too far along for an abortion. I
loved being pregnant. I gained a little weight, and gained a little
bitty bump on my belly. I would lie in bed at night and hold my tummy. I
would sing to my belly, and talk to it. I decided on two names: CodiAna
Brooke for a girl and Liam Ryan for a boy.
On April 13, 2008 I started spotting and I thought it was completely normal. Then, April 18, I started having really bad cramps. Around 8pm that night, they got way worse. No pain medicine I took was helping, either. I drew a warm bath and curled up in the water, hoping it would soothe the pain. About a half an hour later, I noticed I was bleeding in the water. Like, clots of blood. I crawled out of the tub and sat beside my toilet, feeling extremely nauseous. Then, I started throwing up. Everytime I did, I felt my abdomen tighten, and I felt more blood come out. My entire body ached, especially my pelvis. I started to get extremely light-headed and dizzy. I curled up into a ball and cried on the bathroom floor. Then, I felt another really hard pressure in my pelvis, like I was passing a big blood clot. I looked down and what I saw was greyish and about the size of a prune or a ping pong ball. I picked up my baby and checked her gender. I looked her over, little feet, little everything. I named her and held her close to me and went to sleep crying. In the morning, being 13 and scared, I didn’t know what else to do, so I kissed my baby, wrapped her in toilet paper, and told her goodbye. I lost my daughter at a little over ten weeks.
Almost 5 years later, CodiAna is still my world and heart.
On April 13, 2008 I started spotting and I thought it was completely normal. Then, April 18, I started having really bad cramps. Around 8pm that night, they got way worse. No pain medicine I took was helping, either. I drew a warm bath and curled up in the water, hoping it would soothe the pain. About a half an hour later, I noticed I was bleeding in the water. Like, clots of blood. I crawled out of the tub and sat beside my toilet, feeling extremely nauseous. Then, I started throwing up. Everytime I did, I felt my abdomen tighten, and I felt more blood come out. My entire body ached, especially my pelvis. I started to get extremely light-headed and dizzy. I curled up into a ball and cried on the bathroom floor. Then, I felt another really hard pressure in my pelvis, like I was passing a big blood clot. I looked down and what I saw was greyish and about the size of a prune or a ping pong ball. I picked up my baby and checked her gender. I looked her over, little feet, little everything. I named her and held her close to me and went to sleep crying. In the morning, being 13 and scared, I didn’t know what else to do, so I kissed my baby, wrapped her in toilet paper, and told her goodbye. I lost my daughter at a little over ten weeks.
Almost 5 years later, CodiAna is still my world and heart.
CodiAna- All of us angel moms love you so much, but none more than your mom. We all hope you're in some place beautiful, playing with all of the other angel babies.
A mother's love never dies.
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